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so manny things, but then not. [27 Jul 2004|12:25am]
[ mood | mischievous ]

a long streatch of nothing intresting, and then in no time all sorts of ruckus. have I become like lestat sudenly? drawing such atention and troble? I would hate such a thing. though, the people I finde my self surounded by incredilby intresting. especialy this boy, chased by some mystery man. though, it makes me feel nearly guilty. he makes me think of so manny other things. what could his fate be? especialy after meating me? I should go back to new york. I really should. its been such a long time since I spoke with sybelle and benji. my dear children I hope you will forgive my actions.

something tells me in my time of isolation things have been going on around me I should have been aware of. is this tendency to ignore things I could care less proven to be a bad thing? I know I'm in no eminent danger. at least I feel sure I'm not. but I am quite certain I should start paying atention again. oh how tiresome. the past century has been so active. and half the time not a particularly good active. verry well.

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so manny things. [26 May 2004|12:39pm]
[ mood | hungry ]

I have not said much in this of late it seems. but then, though contrary to actions I have doen before, I was never a verry open person. yes, I let in to davids begging of my story. but other then that I do not like displayd knowlage of my self. to manny people I don't want to have know it could. a personal confidant is really what I need. as I had inv ennice with bianca. oh my fair bianca if you are at all around anymore please contact me. I still believe you were the one I saw so long ago, outside paris in the late 1700s. do you remember? the young man who warned you of the monsters that were there? to not go there for they would destory you? oh how the one I used to be int he past sadens me. and seems to haunt me now that I think of it. well I shall not think of it anymore.

I have met stella. she is nice. at least she seems. though I feel I've been a bit to friendly with her. especialy since I did not care of what she was up to. but in the end I could not help but go see her since she was a ghost and I was terebly intrested. I think david is silly to think I might offend her. she seems the time to hold her own, if not bite right back at anything thrown her way. but then I have only just met her. I do hope she gains what she wants with this living again thing. and I do mean what I said. I would help her. if not for the sheer reason of seeing a ghost some back to life! but there may be other reasons behinde it. not that I will tell any of them.

Laurent has called me. I do not know what to say. the little brat will be comming to new orleans where then, will he tell me how he lives. its odd, I do not know what to think of him. he was part of a life I have finaly grown away from. though part of me looks forward to this. mabye its my resent annoience with marius, of whom seems to be moping and wanting to go off for god knows how long. just like him I think. he is a coward. he must be. to manny things in the past say he was! though this all may be just words for beeing angry. he has not come to me. we parted under such cold words and then I left.... and he whent back to pandora. hopefuly soon I shall get to talk to him. but the more I think on this I would rather talk to him again after I have finished this buisnes with stella and david, as well as this meating with laurent. and if posible after I have gone to rome. though this trip is looking further and further away. I am tempted to ask my darlings to come down here. but I'm not so sure. claudia is still somewhere out there and I do not trust her. I will not hurt her I know this, but I fear she must hold resentment to me and will do somehing in retaliation for her torture and death..... I could not risk my dear children to such fate. not to mention I do not want to expose them to all these trash vampires that are comming back fromt he grave. not that all of them are trash... but, what I mean is, not the vampires I have grown to know and love. and, then others from the past that should stay dead. its not something I want to espose them to.

I am slightly lost. I do not know where my place is to be. for right now I shall continue with stella. we are to go talk to david. she wishes to meat him. I hope she likes him. I finde him so verry intresting and quite charming. its odd how much we share in similarities, and yet so verry much we do not. David, I will always think of you as my friend. you are one of the few actual friends I have. and this is not putting anyone else down but so manny other things complicate my relations to others that I could never clasify them as such.

I am feeling the thirst again. my hunt earlior was not sufficent. and the witch rowans blood is so thick in the air. I would not go after her. I have more composure then that. but I want a connection. a closeness only the blood will bring. I feel after I have escorted stella to david I shall do and take care of this.

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Desitions. [23 Apr 2004|01:13am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

Well I beleive I have figured it all out. well at least for now. such a silly quest isn't it? it probly is gone. dust, shaterd. but, I must finde the proof in the small straws I can grasp. who knows, there may be hope of some sort. or at least a story. they will have information that I and my dear master do not have, will they not? at least, at least the story will be woth such a thing if nothing else is recoverd.

I have taken up rooms in new orleans. a verry lovely suit. I will go back to new york after I close my old ghosts. then I shall have stories to tell my dear ones. and posibly, if things go as I would wish them to, something to show. but I have allready called them. I am not neglectent..... like some people I know.... people who go for years and years without so much as a word really.....


I love the phone. its a lovly thing. and it gets better and better. computers are a lovly thing as well. even if I can share a telepathic link with sybelle and beji its still nice to call and and other things. they seem fine as well. and do not scorne me for my lengthy absence. I shall make sure to get sheet music and some books for them on my trip. for now, I rest, watch, wander. and see what evoryone else is doing. mabye..... I'll go visit pandora and marius, it was rude of me. I had only just seen pandora for a few seconds and then left. I should make a proper house call.

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Forever Dismissed. [19 Apr 2004|11:49pm]
[ mood | irritated ]

oh! I take this time to express such fealings. and I do not care who reads them! oh, do read them. please. mabye if someone read what I expressed my self, from my hands and my minde and my words to script they would understand! no one understands. no one ever has. mabye its because I have never been open. so closed I was. but who cares who I have been in the past, this is about curent afairs that make me want to scream.

I never have a choice, and do not get me wrong. I do not love my Sybelle and Benji any less, I love them as much as I always have. But there are things I was propared to face, foolishly face! oh how young and stupid I feel right now. to beleive in such fantacies. to think that one could have a 'happely ever after'.

I asked Marius my moest intemet fear, and more or less got the answer that fear was baste off of. and no, I do not think he hates me.... but I think I could take hate more then this! I would rather be hated and have these feelings inside of me then to be loved so simply with this raging fire inside my chest. how I thought it was drenched. snuffed out. so manny times had I thought it dead and gone only to feel it roar back to life with the smallest of gestures to it.

to be loved without passion by him, my greatest feer! the thing I would not face, why I distenced my self so... and now I know it was with reason and was a fool to hope mabye... just mabye I had been wrong.

now I could insualt Marius. call him cruel. call him spiteful. call him too old and dead inside..... but I can't. these would be lies. they would be words to try and make my self feel better. oh well. he does not need me. not like he used to. and that is fine. Sybelle and Benji need me, and i would be a geady brat if I demanded more.

on unrelated note, thoughts have ocured to me. would it be wrong to search for things long lost? things I thought forever gone that might be saved? I had wanted a legacy for my children, when they were mortal. now of cres this seems silly now, they will be forever now. always with me, to hear all I could tell them. but I wish to show them things more then words. more then the pictures of my minde. to touch and feel. but this is foolish. I have nothing old of mine. nothing I charished. allt hings I charished were lost over 500 years ago. but... I can hope... I could dream. they had my masters painting... they had marius' painting of me....... what if they.... what if they had it? do I dream such dreams again? ah, I sence a journy. and I am feeling impetuous and may go upon it. I think, mabye, I don't know I'll think this over. but I think I might go to rome... yes... to them in rome and see. just to see. if at all posible they might have it, like they had the painting.....

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crying soul [16 Apr 2004|02:25pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

To sit here alone, it is killing me! I thought I neaded time alone. just to gather my thoughts and put them together. a thing I've more or less doen all my life. but I feel that because of my explosive nature, my way of reacting instently to my emotions.... I may have lost something I had treasured so much. fragile fragile world I live in. where once I thought I could go to Him so redaly... to be refused I saw new light. new love and lust for life. but what is a life when there may be no future. or no future with thoughs you want. oh yes I was angry... but do not think my anger forever.... I could never stay compleatly angry. there is allways forgivness allways. in my heart, my minde and soul. I am still a fool for you. and I wish I could so easily convay this. to let you know. but you so misunderstand now.... this block between us is a curse. as it allways will be.

but why bother speaking of such things.... it is not like you will ever read or happen apon them. you canot read me anymore, and you do not seem to try and finde out indirectly eather.

to go, I must visit the town. there are things to do before I move on. next time, next time I think I shall go to asia.

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Beginings [14 Apr 2004|02:56pm]
[ mood | curious ]

A journal for thoughts, how quaint. I allmoest feel like my dear master writing out my thoughts. how how lovly and civil I could sound with just words from my own hands. did I not do this before? write the things of my minde like a compulsive fervent author? I think I have, though it seems ages ago. to think that someone might peer into my deapest thoughts disturbs me. I am a closed person. but no worry, I guess for all who matter allready know such little things. verry well.

to the organazation of ones thoughts.

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